Tuesday, January 30, 2007


I feel broken. Bad dreams about past relationships have been haunting me the last few nights, then I read about Nanner's tragedy yesterday, and it damn near broke my heart.

Then this evening I went to visit a friend at Livejournal only to read a very, very upsetting post about my best friend (who is married to the author's cousin, and the reason we know each other).

In my usual manner, I left an overly-long response which was probably not called for. I deleted it, but not before she read it.

I know that I spout off, and I know that I'm fiercly loyal to my friends (even when they're perfectly capable of taking care of themselves), and I also know that I have a tendancy to read between the lines.

What I'm learning is that maybe what I read (when reading between the lines) and what's actually meant (in the unwritten subtext) aren't necessarily the same thing. What I read as a slam on my best friend--and upon re-reading still seems to be--may have been no more than commentary.

But now I feel like I'm in the middle of this stupid shit-storm and I'm not sure how to get out of it with (1) her pride intact, (2) MY pride intact, or (3) our relationship intact.

Then again, I have to wonder, someone who would make such hateful implications (and the implications, even if not stated as such, seem SO CLEAR to me, so much more than just commentary)--why do I want that relationship? Are there still more plusses to our friendship than minusus?

Gah. Fuck it. My body aches, my throat hurts, my ears hurt, and I'm in no mood to ponder any more whether or not I've hurt someone's feelings by speaking the plain truth instead of sugar-coating or implying my message. So again I say, Fuck it.