Monday, October 17, 2005

What I'd Like To Say:

When there are 15 cases to brief and my briefing partner volunteers to take the first 8.
What I actually say: "Ok. Thanks. I'll have mine done by [fill in the day]. Thanks."
What I'd like to say: "But four of those are super short! Why do you always cherry pick the cases?"

When the boss-man intimates that my job may be ending soon.
What I actually say: "Well, let me know as soon as you know for sure, because I'll need to find another job you know."
What I'd like to say: "Seriously? Do you think you can hold this together without me here? Dude--I've done more in 5 months than you've done in 5 years. I know this program better than anyone in the freaking county. Not only is it a mistake to talk about letting my contract expire, but I think you better figure out a fucking plan to make me a full-time, regular employee--and I mean pronto, before I *do* go find another job!"

When I need help finding wiper blades in the auto parts store.
What I actually say: "It's a 19xx Volvo [model number]--I don't want the whole wiper assembly, just the replacement blades please. Thank you."
What I'd like to say: "For fuck's sake, you morons, it's not like I'm the only human being with tits to walk into your store. I'm NOT going to buy the most expensive goddamned thing you hand me just because you have a penis. Jesus H. Christ on a Fucking Crutch, all I want are wiper blades that fit my fucking car! Idiots."

When an almost-five-year-old has a tantrum at dinnertime.
What I actually say: "Honey, it's dinnertime. Sit in your chair and eat four more bites of [whatever]. You may not get up until you are excused." (And on like that, frustratingly, until the meal finally ends.)
What I'd like to say: "Shut the fuck up, go to bed, and don't get up until after I've left in the morning."

When someone interrupts The West Wing.
What I actually say: "It's ok--I have Tivo--I paused it."
What I'd like to say: "I don't give a goddamn if it's a re-run I've seen 8 times, and I don't like it when you make fun of me reciting the lines with the actors. This is MY down-time and MY show. Go away and leave me alone now."

When my internet access lags.
What I actually say (to myself): "No prob, I'll just refill my water while I'm waiting for the network to come online."
What I'd like to say (or rather, what I'm really thinking to myself): "I pay $54.00 a month for my local, long distance, and internet access. Why the fuck do I have such lame access? For that kind of money, Sally Fucking Struthers could feed 50-something orphans! This really ought to respond MUCH faster. Fucking stupid thing."

And that was Monday.

How was your day?