Friday, July 01, 2005

Changing Tone

I guess my mom wants a fish. When the last one died, I vowed that I wouldn't get another one until Em was old enough to help take care of it.

I thought it was hard enough before law school finding time to clean a fish bowl every week.

Yet, mom's setting up the bowl with Em right now. They're getting a fish tomorrow. I have removed myself from this matter completely--this will NOT be my fish, nor will I clean its bowl or feed the stupid thing.

Despite my gushing earlier in the week about my little bundle of DNA, right about now, I'm ready to loan her out to the highest bidder. Hell, I'll even send her to the lowest bidder for a couple days....

I'm not a good mom today. I'm giving her all sorts of bad love. The last "conversation" we had went something like this:
Em: "Can I undo my seatbelt?"
Me: "No, Honey, please don't."
Em: "Why?"
Me: "Because I asked you not to, Em."
Em: "But Why, Mom?"
Me: "Because Bai-Yah's only in the store for a minute and we're going to leave right away. "
Em: [insert insipient whine] "Maaahhhmmmm!"
Me: "Em, my foot hurts. I don't want to have to get out of the car to buckle you again... God Damnit Emily! Why did you just take your belt off when I asked you not to?"
Em: [insert snitty attitude] "Because I felt like it."

You don't need the rest of it. It ended with me going on a 10 minute rant about how she never fucking listens to anything I say, she never fucking pays attention to me. We can be at home, at school, in the car, in the grocery, at a friend's house, at my office, at a restaurant... it doesn't matter. Why, I asked her, does she disregard what I have to say? Is it because she doesn't like me, or doesn't respect me, or doesn't believe what I say has any merit?

She can't answer me, of course.

Part of that is because when I get angry, I either swear like a sailor or I use the biggest words I know in an attempt to NOT swear like a sailor. That always throws her off.

I'm still really angry at her and I don't think she deserves a god-damn fish.

**mumble mumble mumble fucking mumble mumble fish mumble...** ((wanders away shaking head))