The Naked Truth and Other Lies
Mom, Em and I have been at Kate's since late Saturday evening. We're having a great time--have taken the kids swimming both days so far and my dad has plans to take them again today, everyone has rec'd haircuts (I think she took about 7" off mine--wow!), loads of play-time with very little "serious" in between.
And yet...
I don't know. I get this way sometimes. I can't name when it'll happen next or how long it'll last, but I get this way. Things overwhelm me, so I sort of shut down. I, like so many other moon children (i.e: Cancers), have this terriffic ability to put forward the greatest "Wow, everything is wonderful" face to the world, but there's a hard shell there that's not easy to get under. And even if we do choose to open up to you, you'll only see what miniscule bit we choose to share...
I wasn't going to blog this, 'cause, well, I think of you readers as my friends and this isn't something I would normally share with friends. Ok, that's not true--but there are only a very small handful of people with whom I would share. But I was't going to blog this because I don't want to hear how we all get there sometimes and blah, blah, blah. I already know that. I just want to gripe a while without comment.
I'm just rambling on. Here's the point: Life is overwhelming and frightening and expensive and scary. I'm spending thousands of dollars having my sewing room remade into an efficient work space, but my PG&E almost got cut off last week (I caught it on time). Worse yet, my water was cut off last night. How do I know, since I'm not there? My roommate, who pays her bills on time every time (that is, she gives me money for her portion of the bill) came home to no water. So she got a couple bucketfuls from the neighbors and then called me at Kate's... during dinner... with my entire fucking family here wanting to know what was so important that Jessica would call me. (And I have to face my neighbors when I go home.)
I didn't want to tell them. I was so embarrassed all I wanted to do was cry. I have the money, see, that's not the problem. The problem is I don't have the inclination to take care of business. I just don't fucking care about other people's priorities, like paying utility bills. But the utilities folks sure do care. So does my credit score. So do my roommates.
I just feel like such SHIT! And the downer is that when I get into this sort of spiral, I forget to take my meds, which makes me spiral down harder and faster.
It's compounded by not having any regularity in my world. Like a small child, I need routine. I like working. I'm excited about law school, sure, and excited too about all the new possibilities opening up to me, but I feel like I'm on a tilt-a-whirl that's gone out of my control and I'm gonna be sick. Except when I'm "being strong" for people who need me. I've been needed a lot lately, and I don't begrudge my friends that energy--that's what friends do--but sometimes, ya know, I'm the one who needs a little bit...only I won't ask for it....
My best friend Jena called me last night--her husband and I have joked for years that he's my boyfriend. I tease him about being a bad boyfriend 'cause he does things with his wife instead of with me. They're such good friends and I love them both so much... He's in the hospital. I'm not going to talk about the details here--their kids (6 yo boy and 2 yo girl) want daddy home. Jena wants answers. We all want him well and home soon. No matter what happens, their lives are going to change after this, I just hope they don't change too drastically, if you know what I mean. I'm scared and Jena's more scared and Rick is the most scared and none of us can do a goddamned thing to make this better and I can't stop crying. But not when we're on the phone. I just keep trying to make her laugh when we're on the phone.
God I hate feeling so utterly helpless. Is there a female version of emasculated? That's how I feel...
And yet...
I don't know. I get this way sometimes. I can't name when it'll happen next or how long it'll last, but I get this way. Things overwhelm me, so I sort of shut down. I, like so many other moon children (i.e: Cancers), have this terriffic ability to put forward the greatest "Wow, everything is wonderful" face to the world, but there's a hard shell there that's not easy to get under. And even if we do choose to open up to you, you'll only see what miniscule bit we choose to share...
I wasn't going to blog this, 'cause, well, I think of you readers as my friends and this isn't something I would normally share with friends. Ok, that's not true--but there are only a very small handful of people with whom I would share. But I was't going to blog this because I don't want to hear how we all get there sometimes and blah, blah, blah. I already know that. I just want to gripe a while without comment.
I'm just rambling on. Here's the point: Life is overwhelming and frightening and expensive and scary. I'm spending thousands of dollars having my sewing room remade into an efficient work space, but my PG&E almost got cut off last week (I caught it on time). Worse yet, my water was cut off last night. How do I know, since I'm not there? My roommate, who pays her bills on time every time (that is, she gives me money for her portion of the bill) came home to no water. So she got a couple bucketfuls from the neighbors and then called me at Kate's... during dinner... with my entire fucking family here wanting to know what was so important that Jessica would call me. (And I have to face my neighbors when I go home.)
I didn't want to tell them. I was so embarrassed all I wanted to do was cry. I have the money, see, that's not the problem. The problem is I don't have the inclination to take care of business. I just don't fucking care about other people's priorities, like paying utility bills. But the utilities folks sure do care. So does my credit score. So do my roommates.
I just feel like such SHIT! And the downer is that when I get into this sort of spiral, I forget to take my meds, which makes me spiral down harder and faster.
It's compounded by not having any regularity in my world. Like a small child, I need routine. I like working. I'm excited about law school, sure, and excited too about all the new possibilities opening up to me, but I feel like I'm on a tilt-a-whirl that's gone out of my control and I'm gonna be sick. Except when I'm "being strong" for people who need me. I've been needed a lot lately, and I don't begrudge my friends that energy--that's what friends do--but sometimes, ya know, I'm the one who needs a little bit...only I won't ask for it....
My best friend Jena called me last night--her husband and I have joked for years that he's my boyfriend. I tease him about being a bad boyfriend 'cause he does things with his wife instead of with me. They're such good friends and I love them both so much... He's in the hospital. I'm not going to talk about the details here--their kids (6 yo boy and 2 yo girl) want daddy home. Jena wants answers. We all want him well and home soon. No matter what happens, their lives are going to change after this, I just hope they don't change too drastically, if you know what I mean. I'm scared and Jena's more scared and Rick is the most scared and none of us can do a goddamned thing to make this better and I can't stop crying. But not when we're on the phone. I just keep trying to make her laugh when we're on the phone.
God I hate feeling so utterly helpless. Is there a female version of emasculated? That's how I feel...
posted by Aimee at
11:25 AM
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