Wednesday, September 29, 2004


I’m feeling a little blue today. No particular reason. Maybe not even blue, so much as introspective.

I have this terrible tendency to hide myself from myself. I’ll be outgoing, loud, joyous, bubbly, and excited around people, all the while hiding the “real” me (whatever that means) in the deepest core. One time when my ex- and I were in marriage counseling, after 5 months the counselor finally broke through the issue. I wasn’t withholding it from her, I was there for healing, but it was locked so far in my core that I couldn’t even acknowledge the problem to myself.

What does that say about me? Am I a petty, surface-only person? I don’t think so. I think I’m genuine in my emotions—and sometimes a little too raw in them. But those are typically emotions as a response to other people’s issues, not my own. When mine arise, I’m quick to dismiss them as unimportant.

Does that go back to my less than stellar self-esteem? Perhaps. Maybe I don’t believe I’m worthy of having true, deep, positive emotions about my life. But that’s not right. I DO believe I’m worthy. Sheesh—I don’t just “believe” it, I KNOW it! So, what’s my problem then? The Strong Woman is here all day long at work, all evening long at home with the beautiful daughter, all weekend & other random times with Friends and Bloggers who need loving and reassurance. Why am I incapable of going to sleep at night with the Strong Woman? When the lights go out, where does she go? And how do I get her to stay?

As I said, I know I’m worthy of all goodness in the world, yet when that goodness is offered to me, I frequently miss it. Just don’t see it. As if I’m not expecting it, so it goes right by me. Either that, or I’m skeptical of it. I’m afraid it’ll turn to hurt like it has so many times before. That’s not a healthy way to live.

There are no answers to these questions, I’m just rambling on. I know we’ve all felt this way or something similar at various points in our lives, so I’m sharing with my friends where I am now. It will pass; it always does.

In the meantime, thank you all for touching my life in such a positive way. It means a lot to me.