Thursday, July 08, 2004

Addendum to last post

No one knows what goes on behind closed doors. Our sex life was good. Ok, that’s an understatement—it was great! But he wanted to have an open relationship. As I mentioned, I agreed because I was young and insecure and afraid he’d leave me if I said no. I should have said no anyway. Hindsight, hey?

Anyway, the fact that he wanted other people always made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Good enough, pretty enough, playful enough, whatever. I didn’t fulfill him in every way, and that was very hard to live with.

Over the course of the 14 years we were together, I gained 80 pounds. I was chunky to begin with—maybe 30 lbs overweight—by the time I left him, I had a whole person to lose (or two, if you count him). Talk about depression and poor self-image taking over your life!

The bigger I got, the less interested I was in having sex. Not just with him, but with anyone. It was terrible cycle—he wanted other people, I got fatter and didn’t want to be with him, so he started wanting MORE other people. Not just as a different adventure now, but as his only outlet. Terrible for our marriage, only he never knew that. I kept up the good-wife role as I ought to. Gag me.

See how very bad it can be to give in to what others want because you’re afraid of what "might-be" otherwise? Yeah, me too, only I saw that a little too late.